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(The following is an abridged version of a great conversation that  I may have never actually had last weekend with a young man who might not actually exist. )

Young Man (“Tommy”): “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Me: “Why not?”

Tommy: “You’re supposed to be giving me advice about how to be more attractive to women, and your first piece of advice is to ignore everything women say about what they find attractive.”

Me: “And?”

Tommy: “Well, doesn’t it make sense to get it from the source? I mean, who better to ask about women’s wants and desires than other women?”

Me: “Hmm. What we have here is a failure to understand basic human behavior. If you don’t retain anything else I tell you, please just remember this one fact: Women are the absolute last people you should be getting advice from about what women find attractive. Why? Well, they have no f*cking idea themselves! Seriously, you have a better chance of hearing a hot 16 from Wiz Khalifa than you do of meeting a woman who knows exactly what they want in a man. And, if you happen to find the one chick in a billion who knows exactly what she wants, good luck in getting her to actually articulate it. It’s like asking a gazelle why they love getting eaten by cheetahs.”

Tommy: “So, just don’t listen to women, ever?”

Me: “I wouldn’t take it that far. You should probably listen to your mom and when female baristas tell you that your hot chocolate is, in fact, hot. Also, once you’re actually in a relationship, listening to your girlfriend/wife every once in a while isn’t the worst idea in the world.

That aside, life has shown me that the single worst dating mistake young (and old) men make is crafting their behavior around the “cacophony of completely arbitrary noise” that’s better known as “women’s professed wants and desires.“

And, just so I don’t come off as a raging misogynist, “women” could very easily be replaced with “humans.” None of us — men, women, West Virginians — know what we want about anything. Sh*t, I can’t even tell you what I want for dinner tonight, so how the hell do you expect me to know exactly what I’d want from something as complex as a romantic relationship?”

Tommy: “So, um, why am I even listening to you?”

Me: “Because.”

Tommy: “Okie dokie. So, since I’m not supposed to listen to women, ever, what should I do?”

Me: “Pay attention. That’s it. Pay attention to what they respond to. Pay attention to who they say they need to stay away from. Pay attention to who makes them nervous.

And, if you want to get specific, if you’re interested in a particular type of women, pay attention to the type of men that those women always seem to date. For heaven’s sake, don’t ever f*cking listen to a word any of them say about what type of men they find attractive, but watch closely, read, observe, assess, and act.”

Tommy: “Anything else?”

Me: “I’ve noticed that smelling good seems to really help. Seriously, I know some women who’d f*ck a Michelin snow tire if it smelled like Escada Sentiment. What’s weird is that once they start to actually like you, “smelling good” means “any smell you produce aside from a fart.” They’ll eventually become hooked on your everyday scent, but you need some artificial assistance to lure them in. Basically, cologne is to women what lacefront is to men.

Also, I’d advise you to introduce an element of surprise in your life.”

Tommy: “So, hide in shadows and sneak up on b*tches?”

Me: “Um, not exactly. I’m trying to teach you how to attract women, not homicide detectives. By “surprise” I mean that it tends to intrigue women if they learn something about you that they really didn’t expect.

For instance, if you look like Kimbo Slice, the women you meet probably aren’t going to be very impressed by your collection of Smack DVD’s or your tendency to chase down and stab motorists who’ve cut you off. But, if you generally look, dress, and act like Carlton Banks, revealing a side that’s a bit more “hood” and aggressive than they’d expect from you will make them think “Hmmm. That’s interesting.” And, as we all know, “Hmmm. That’s interesting” is internal womenspeak for “Hmmm. My thighs just got 8.5% more damp.”

Tommy: “I guess that makes sense. I think women would be more impressed by a linebacker at spoken word than some Frankie Lymon looking-ass n*gga.”

Me: “Right! This is actually what women’s (and men’s) magazines always get wrong when they’re advising men. Women aren’t impressed by men who are well-read or work out regularly or can educate them about our foreign policy as much as they’re impressed when these tasks are done by men who they wouldn’t immediately associate those attributes too.

I mean, if you’re a f*cking accountant, of course you should be able to wax poetic about the economy and the deficit, and you showing off this knowledge on a date aint going to impress anyone. But, if you’re an accountant who plays semi-pro rugby and the drums for a local hip-hop band? Instant Irene.

Tommy: “Irene?”

Me: “Get it? Wetness? Moisture? Hurricane Irene?”

Tommy: “I see.”